13 Sep How to reject swingers
Whether you attend swinger clubs or private lifestyle parties at a friend’s home, it’s inevitable that at some point, you will have to turn someone down. Therefore, we decided to write an article about how to reject swingers. It will probably happen quite a lot, especially if you’re new to the scene and you’re still working out your preferences and boundaries. Nobody is attracted to absolutely everyone, and we all have our various likes and dislikes for compatible sex partners. There is nothing wrong with having preferences and being selective. Experienced swingers understand this. Part of being a swinger is being a mature adult who accepts being turned down as par for the course, and they’re generally very respectful.
Anyone who doesn’t respect your rejection really won’t last long in the swinger scene. It’s important that when you decline someone’s advances, you respect your boundaries and make sure that you also respect the feelings of the other person or people. It is never fun when swingers beak up. Put yourself in their shoes, and consider how you would like to be turned down if you were the rejectee.
Assert your boundaries
When you say ‘no,’ be clear what it is you are declining. Is it ‘no’ to penetrative sex? Or ‘no’ to kissing? Or ‘no’ to any sexual contact at all? Consent is important, and it is even more important to assert boundaries in a group sex where it is easier to misunderstand each other. Make sure to be a good advocate for yourself & your partner. Stand up for yourself and do not compromise your personal swinger boundaries.
That said, don’t feel as though you owe anyone a precise explanation of why you are declining them. Just “not feeling it” or “we aren’t up for playing” are perfectly valid responses. Feelings are paramount in swinging where intimacy is shared amongst people we might not know intimately. Be careful not to overshare & unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings when a milder, vague response would have sufficed. You should always feel empowered to stand up for yourself, especially when dealing with swinging bullies or other lifestyle headaches.
Be considerate of the language you use when you turn someone down. Try to avoid saying anything that blames the other person, and instead emphasize that you are turning them down because of your boundaries – not anything they have done wrong. For example, “My husband doesn’t find you attractive” is an unnecessarily harsh response. Instead, it would be much more considerate to say, “Thank you for the offer, but we don’t feel a four-way connection.”
It can be tempting to lie to get your way out of the situation, but this isn’t usually the best way to handle rejecting someone. Swinging and group sex rely on honesty, and you want to foster a sense of trust in your community. If you are caught lying, it might mean people grow to distrust you. Additionally, though lying seems easy to hurt someone’s feelings, dishonesty is often more hurtful. Not to mention that a little lie can turn into a much bigger mess. For example, saying “we aren’t ready to play tonight” will often result in the rejected couple chasing after you the following weeks to see if you have changed your minds. You don’t want to mislead swingers, so be as honest as you can without oversharing & unnecessarily being rude.
Offer another suggestion
If you are turning somebody down for sex but actually enjoy their company, explain this and offer another suggestion for something later in the evening (i.e., “We don’t feel a sexy four-way connection but think you are awesome friends – can we meet at the bar later?”) This breaks the impact of being turned down, and also communicates to the other person that you don’t dislike them. It’s not personal that you have said ‘no’ to them. Depending on how you feel, it may be worth saying that you don’t sleep with anyone unless you know them well, and by arranging to meet them later, you’re opening up that possibility. Don’t accidentally mislead anyone though, only say that if it’s true.
It’s important you communicate clearly what you do and don’t want from the declining person. This might be turning down penetrative sex, or foreplay, or just any sexual activity at all. Keep your sentences concise and to the point. For example, “I don’t want to do that” or “I’m not interested in that” or “I’d like to kiss you, but I’m not interested in going any further than that at the moment.” You can take the abruptness out of phrases like this by making sure you keep your tone of voice gentle.
Don’t need the need to apologize
You don’t owe anybody the right to touch your body. When you reject swingers, don’t feel like you need to apologize or say sorry for saying ‘no, thank you. You can soften the blow by telling them that you’re really flattered or that you find them attractive, but again only say that if you mean it.
People in the lifestyle know not to take rejection personally. Unless you are a brand new rookie, we have all had to reject someone and have been rejected too many times to count. As long as we all act polite & mature, it is ok. It is even helpful to reject someone, so they don’t waste their time on something that has no chance of happening.